Here, you have a blog post a year in the making...
September 2013
I fancied myself in paying a visitors look to our page today. I've felt very guilty in not having written in, well, I'm realizing a WHOLE YEAR! I've distanced myself from releasing these inner thoughts of this past year.
Although that would make it sound as if it's been a year from (down there) and that's not very well true. Hard times? Yes. Obstacles? Oh yea. Learning? Always. His perfections in the works? Of course.
So many quotes, sayings, gestures, and any other way to say that same thing... all heard or crossed through my mind at some point or another. Getting to the nitty gritty of it, His perfect timing is always in process. He only delivers perfection. If something is not to that perfection, it's just not ready. That time will come.
I speak of two very large "hill climbings" we've had to overcome in the past year, mostly occurring within the walls of 2013. (Regardless of the fact that I just plain don't like odd numbers and, well, 13... It is what it is.) Anyway, we made a discovery halfway through the first month of the year. What we had been waiting to see, hear, feel, you name it. Those pink lines popped into place and, yes, our questions of the possibility of even being capable of baby making were answered!!!!! It happened!
That is, until week 9. We then were smacked back into the reality that His perfection wasn't yet perfect. Our pride and joy had lost its beat. I cannot even begin to describe the heartbreak that was within. I can say that I was quickly able to see M's inspiring ability to protect and console me. He was crushed inside and never once allowed that to seep through until he knew I was comforted and able.
September 2014
Now, a year after having written the first part of this post, I'm reaching the "okay" point in sharing and releasing what many already know. What many have assumed to know. What many have asked others about. What many have jumped to conclusions about. What many haven't had the courage to ask myself or M about (understandable, at times, I know).
I share this with you because I've had more of an influx in our closest friends and family reaching out. A few of the questions and comments that have been received (either to me or in conversations I'm a part of) include:
"Do they want kids?"
"When will they have kids?"
"Are they trying?"
"Have they seen a specialist?"
"Have they thought about in vitro (IVF)?"
"Have they thought about surogacy?"
"Have they thought about adoption? That always works."
"Do they know the right position?"
"There's only a certain time of month, but I just got lucky."
"Has she used an ovulation kit?"
"Has she checked her temperature?"
"Can you believe there are people that just can't get pregnant and have no reasons why?"
"I get the waiting thing, but after 35, things get risky. You know, like Down Syndrome and stuff."
"Just go drink and relax yourself. Before you know it..."
PLEASE don't get me wrong, I completely understand the lack of education on a matter that doesn't pertain to you and your circumstances. What you don't know, you don't know. And I, by no means, am one to judge.
Just have some decency to respect others and keep opinions/judgments to yourself.
I have battled with "coming out" about this because I didn't feel as if it were a matter for others to know. In part, I've been ashamed, felt guilty, and been in denial. However, what's the purpose of that?
Yes, M and I have battled with unexplained infertility for the past 5 1/2 years and an unexplained miscarriage too. We've tested ovulations, charted temperatures, taken more pills than you could imagine, been poked, prodded, injected, seen 4 different specialists, added acupuncture to the growing list, and had 3 rounds of IUI's. At times, I've given up caffeine, all soft drinks, gluten, dairy, tanning beds, hot baths, and more. Most of those are still in effect or greatly minimized.
Believe me when I say that we have weighed our options and know just about every additional route there is. But when you're left with no explanation and the time you did conceive was completely natural (with the 1 acupuncture visit), you're left trusting in your God that has a plan, as He's carried you through these years. You don't give up on the belief that something wonderfully perfect is to come and it could just as easily be formed inside of you.
The greatest thing of all is that we're finding ourselves and the core of our relationship. The love I have for that man is stronger than it's ever been. We're soon to celebrate our 6th wedding anniversary and 13th year together. Our plan is carrying out daily. We're happy and blessed.
Regardless of the challenging days, we have one another and our God. When He's finished creating our masterpiece, we'll be sure to share! Until then, I'm going to...
Live to explore. Smile often. Love fully. Shine for others.
