A year of His work at hand...

Here, you have a blog post a year in the making...

September 2013

I fancied myself in paying a visitors look to our page today.  I've felt very guilty in not having written in, well, I'm realizing a WHOLE YEAR!  I've distanced myself from releasing these inner thoughts of this past year.

Although that would make it sound as if it's been a year from (down there) and that's not very well true.  Hard times?  Yes.  Obstacles?  Oh yea.  Learning?  Always.  His perfections in the works?  Of course.

So many quotes, sayings, gestures, and any other way to say that same thing... all heard or crossed through my mind at some point or another.  Getting to the nitty gritty of it, His perfect timing is always in process.  He only delivers perfection.  If something is not to that perfection, it's just not ready.  That time will come.

I speak of two very large "hill climbings" we've had to overcome in the past year, mostly occurring within the walls of 2013.  (Regardless of the fact that I just plain don't like odd numbers and, well, 13...  It is what it is.)  Anyway, we made a discovery halfway through the first month of the year.  What we had been waiting to see, hear, feel, you name it.  Those pink lines popped into place and, yes, our questions of the possibility of even being capable of baby making were answered!!!!!  It happened!

That is, until week 9.  We then were smacked back into the reality that His perfection wasn't yet perfect.  Our pride and joy had lost its beat.   I cannot even begin to describe the heartbreak that was within.  I can say that I was quickly able to see M's inspiring ability to protect and console me.  He was crushed inside and never once allowed that to seep through until he knew I was comforted and able.


September 2014

Now, a year after having written the first part of this post, I'm reaching the "okay" point in sharing and releasing what many already know.  What many have assumed to know.  What many have asked others about.  What many have jumped to conclusions about.  What many haven't had the courage to ask myself or M about (understandable, at times, I know).

I share this with you because I've had more of an influx in our closest friends and family reaching out.  A few of the questions and comments that have been received (either to me or in conversations I'm a part of) include:

"Do they want kids?"
"When will they have kids?"
"Are they trying?"
"Have they seen a specialist?"
"Have they thought about in vitro (IVF)?"
"Have they thought about surogacy?"
"Have they thought about adoption?  That always works."
"Do they know the right position?"
"There's only a certain time of month, but I just got lucky."
"Has she used an ovulation kit?"
"Has she checked her temperature?"
"Can you believe there are people that just can't get pregnant and have no reasons why?"
"I get the waiting thing, but after 35, things get risky.  You know, like Down Syndrome and stuff."
"Just go drink and relax yourself.  Before you know it..."

PLEASE don't get me wrong, I completely understand the lack of education on a matter that doesn't pertain to you and your circumstances.  What you don't know, you don't know.  And I, by no means, am one to judge.

Just have some decency to respect others and keep opinions/judgments to yourself.  

I have battled with "coming out" about this because I didn't feel as if it were a matter for others to know.  In part, I've been ashamed, felt guilty, and been in denial.  However, what's the purpose of that?

Yes, M and I have battled with unexplained infertility for the past 5 1/2 years and an unexplained miscarriage too.  We've tested ovulations, charted temperatures, taken more pills than you could imagine, been poked, prodded, injected, seen 4 different specialists, added acupuncture to the growing list,  and had 3 rounds of IUI's.  At times, I've given up caffeine, all soft drinks, gluten, dairy, tanning beds, hot baths, and more.  Most of those are still in effect or greatly minimized.

Believe me when I say that we have weighed our options and know just about every additional route there is.  But when you're left with no explanation and the time you did conceive was completely natural (with the 1 acupuncture visit), you're left trusting in your God that has a plan, as He's carried you through these years.  You don't give up on the belief that something wonderfully perfect is to come and it could just as easily be formed inside of you.

The greatest thing of all is that we're finding ourselves and the core of our relationship.  The love I have for that man is stronger than it's ever been.  We're soon to celebrate our 6th wedding anniversary and 13th year together.  Our plan is carrying out daily.  We're happy and blessed.  

Regardless of the challenging days, we have one another and our God.  When He's finished creating our masterpiece, we'll be sure to share!  Until then, I'm going to...

Live to explore.  Smile often.  Love fully.  Shine for others.

Tongue-Tied Tuesday

My current thought process is in need of the following...



Source: Uploaded by user via Bethany on Pinterest

Source: farm6.static.flickr.com via Lindsey on Pinterest

Source: myrevelment.com via Lindsey on Pinterest

Source: naturallymeashley.tumblr.com via Lindsey on Pinterest

Glad I could share!

Connections...

"Genesis 16" (joeltraylor.com)

Little momentos are placed in our life plans each day and, without any rhyme or reason to us, they can often bring great lessons.  Whether it's in something we see, hear, feel, smell, or taste, that lesson can smack us right in the face with no notice whatsoever.  If you've learned anything about me, you may know where I'm headed with this.

But not there.

(hehe!)

The other night I opened my reading passage to discover a portion of the story of Abraham and Sarah (Genesis 16).  I felt a connection to the story as a whole, yet even greater connection to Sarah, for obvious reasons.  I even caught a little reminder of their story from the sermon on Sunday.  I just couldn't put my finger on what I felt toward a connection with Hagar, in this story.

That is, until yesterday.

Now, to back track a bit...

In the living of His plans for me and most recently in mine and M's discoveries of our fertility, or lack thereof, I've toggled with the idea of overstepping my boundaries.  I want to let go and let God more than anything.  I believe I've done a tremendous job of this, although I have my anxieties that set in every so often. 
I want so badly to let these waves of life run their course as I follow God's lead in my life and, more importantly, in M and my desires for parenthood.  It's crazy to me that we've made discoveries about the two of us and yet we're back in the boat we just jumped out of.
So, I do not have PCOS.  I am ovulating regularly.  My progesterone levels are crazy good (equivalent to someone on Clomid, which I did a year ago and haven't for 10 months now and didn't even need to then...so I've since found out).  M even brought fantastic news for us, from his end, on this path!


So, what's the deal?!  Why NOTHING along the path of our increase in family size?


The crazy, yet cool, thing is...
it's in His hands!  I'm not in control.
(Yes, I'm preaching this to myself right now.)

Now, fast forward to yesterday's happenings...
I was catching up on my blog friend, Amy, after receiving a few e-mail updates and not having the time to stop and read.  I sat in awe of her words before me.
I've mentioned before how it seems she writes the words right out of MY brain!  And she SO did yesterday!
I finally understand my connections to Abraham and Sarah and how the situation with Hagar was toiling with my mind.  You see, I'm scared of  pulling a "Hagar" in my life.

I've debated the steps we took to find the answers above for fear I was overstepping.  We've had a few things brought to our attention of next steps and options. But, why do I feel as if I'd be "Hagar-ing" if I followed through?!

I just don't know where the line is and no matter how great my mommy desires are, the last thing I want to do is interfere with God's plan for us, or "pull a Hagar."

Openings...

Let the clouds open and God's light shine through!  With hopes to release some of His light so others may have the strength to withstand some of life's stormy seas, I'm opening my thoughts through SamplesOfUs.   For those new to this crash course into the wavy currents of my life...hold on.  For the very few regulars I've earned...the journey's only begun...

I've recently let go of a heavy weight pent up on my chest. I opened up and made known a reality of my "perfect little life."  In making the decision to write publicly about the lemons we've (M and I) been handed, I hoped to let go of the denial I've had myself in.  I thought that actually saying "it" would at least lighten the burden.  That, it has.  However, I find myself making conversations awkward and I'm not exactly sure how to overcome that.

I mean, "Hello, I'm infertile," can't really sound pretty however you word it.  Typically, my response to, "How come no babies?",  "So, when are YOU going to have your own?", "Are YOU pregnant yet?", etc. is "It just isn't that easy for some people."

C'mon...if THAT doesn't give "it" away, I don't know what would.  The only problem is, how rude does that sound?  I mean, I am a say-it-like-it-is type of person.  But, I don't want to make people feel sympathetic or awkward in conversation.  I suppose it's another  "can't win for losing" type deal.

Aside from the awkwardness, I want to spell out my troubles so the light of my experiences can be shed on those in-waiting of these trials.  I do believe God knows who's entering into this off-road path of the journey with me and so many others.  For whatever reason they may incur these troubles, I want them to know they're not alone.

Yes, there are so many others that I've been told and so many others I don't even know about.  Either way, every story can be made different in our minds.  Regardless, it all boils down to the same understanding...we're just not getting that bun to start toasting.

NOTE:  I simply sit and start writing.  There is no brainstorming, just raw thoughts as they unfurl.

It's about to get all "hot in herrrr"...

This is going to seem from left field and I'm not even sure of where to begin.  I realize that this is taking some leaps and that it may change some things for me.  I believe I'm ready for and need some change.  

I'm ready for a turn.  I'm ready to share the struggles I've been dealt.  The 'ol saying, "God doesn't give you anymore than you can handle..." Yea, that's what I'm working with.  My BIGGEST question is...WHY ME?!

Yea, yea... I know we don't question Him.  I'm working on it.  I'm working toward not, but I'm just not completely there.  Although it's like saying I don't trust Him, I don't believe that's it.  I honestly and completely trust that "my time" is coming and it's all in His plan.  I trust that He leads me and comforts me.  I have faith, hope and love because of Him.  I trust that He IS one step ahead of me and steers the ocean waves of my life.

And wavy they are!  I say like 10 foot waves crashing into one another and abruptly beating the outer sand.  I can honestly say that my waves have calmed a bit as time has passed, aged me, and turned my shore to a more solemn splashing sound of emotions.  I'm not reading so much into things anymore.  However, as I say that to myself, I think of a handful of instances that have sent the stormy seas a sailing once more in the past month.  I owe these storms to the realization of the sounds of "18 months."

I've contemplated the release of the fears I hold inside.  I've gradually begun to push them out and let go of the denial I've held in.  Why am I and have I been ashamed of something out of my control?  I'm not sure it's shame, rather the fact that I wanted, more than anything, to surprise!  I absolutely love surprises!  I love to get them AND I love to give them.  It's just me.  I've wanted to be able to make that one special announcement and see the looks on the faces of our families and friends when we're able to say, "We're pregnant!"  (I have chills even typing it.)

That's just NOT the case.  It couldn't be further from it really.  It's so funny how minds change from the beginning of the "trying to conceive" (TTC) phase to months and months past.  We're over the temp checks, the charting, the infamous kits, the "I think I am's," and the "every possible symptom checkers."  That is no more and, in my opinion, totally pointless and a waste of money.  Oddly enough, what makes it worse is when your doctors tells you all checks "well" and you just need to relax and have fun.  Really??!!  

I have to believe that God's just teaching me a few things.  However, I'm ready to start learning about the real "thing."  I'm ready to have THAT feeling.  I'm ready to just know that I CAN!!  

A now blog friend (www.dustyandamy.com) I've recently been introduced to, read only a few of her posts, and feel an incredible bond to her.  Simply put...she speaks to me!  I haven't been in the crashing waves near as long as she, but her words speak volumes for the emotional waves I have hit and continue to reach.  She says it quite clearly for me...

"To be brutally honest, I'm in an abusive relationship with my own body.  It's a relationship I can't change, can't control, can't ignore.  I'm talking about infertility.  I'm talking about something that hurts every single day and some days it hurts me less than other days.  Sometimes my abuser (my body) does things that lead me to believe that things are going to change.  I tell myself I won't buy in to the hope.  I won't listen to the doctor that tells me that everything looks perfect and this might be the time.  I won't pay attention to physical symptoms and signs.  I won't tell a soul about what is and what isn't going on with me because usually it just ends up being a lot of wasted conversation.  A lot of nothing for them- and me.  

Every Birthday, every Mother's Day, every Father's Day, every Thanksgiving, every Christmas, every time another friends gets pregnant, I think of you and hope for you again.  You are constantly on my mind."

I can relax and do all the "things" made to relax my mind and body.  It doesn't relax the crashing of waves my emotions take on.  I can pray and devote time to God each day to raise my praises and fears to Him.  It doesn't release the pain of those waves crashing in daily.  I'm in a constant battle with myself to give it all to Him and deal with it and lift it up and have it smack me in the face yet again.  I've read and HEARD the verses over and over again (Romans 8:28, Jeremiah 20:11, and John 15:17).  As my friend Amy stated, these verses are "out of context."  I SO believe the words, it's just not.that.simple.

Til next time...

~ To the 10 foot waves of life.~