Find courage...

J worn out from being a new big bro!

"...find courage within yourself

to accomplish something that needs to be done,

but is terrifying to do."

In finding my courage, I've overcome a few obstacles this week. (This post is a week late ) Ironically, these acts of courageousness have connected with the challenge I presented last week (2 weeks ago).   To create change that will begin a more positive me is speaking volumes in my life.  When I devised my resolutions for 2012, never did I realize the power the first two weeks would have.  

I first read this week's challenge and began to contemplate ways that would require me to take a leap of faith.  Little did I know, my answers would fall right into my lap.  If that isn't in His plan, I don't know what is.  To top it off, they've even taken me full circle back to my list from last week's challenge and even came back around to greet this week's!

My more positive me is, first and foremost, about being positive.  That came during the loss of my purple and gold in the BCS championship game.  Simply put, I was heartbroken.  After a 13-0 season, why not win the crystal ball?!  Anger and pain started to steal my mind.  I stood up and turned the t.v. off, went upstairs and got ready for bed, tucked myself in and prayed.  I prayed hard.  I was angered at the sudden bandwagon Bama fans, the negative social networking comments that were posted before the game even ended, the discouraging network commentators, and those so quick to "dawg" my perfect season team!  In that moment of prayer, a glimpse of positivity trickled into my heart and mind.  Why not be happy for a team that's experienced true triumph and who needed that extra glimpse of hope?  They faced such loss and overcame those challenges to get themselves to the championship.  We had a perfect season.  After a few trials in the beginning, we still weren't set back from an amazing season of win after win.  We held 1st week after week!  Although the final W would have been nice, I know I can walk away with a happy heart of 13 (AND even though I dislike odd numbers so!).

From there, I ran into the more positive me that shares my story as a ray of sunSHINE for those in need of a connection.  I ran into a scare after not having my monthly visitor arrive in a timely manner.  Not only did my little friend decide to arrive late, but she brought on a scary grand entrance!  Right as stood in front of my classroom of 3rd graders!!  I swiftly announced an emergency to my assigned helper and quickly got to the ladies room.  Another large fright as I sat alone in the stall afraid of what was happening within me and the vision I was confronted with.  Just so you know, I got back to my kiddos and we wrapped our day and on to dismissal.  Upon delivering my friends to there location of departure, I returned my classroom and made a quick phone call to the doc.  As I notified her of my concerns, she prompted me to get in the next day so we could take a look at things and run some tests.

The next day came and I discovered everything was "normal."  That is, after an exam with blood work and an ultrasound.  Again, "normal."  However, we narrowed down specifically...no PCOS or miscarriage.  

The Negative Nelly in me said, "Again, normal...what?!...why?!...how?! The previous day drama was NOT normal."  Doc's response... "Stress leads to disruptions for Aunt Flow.  It is normal."

The Positive Polly I'm gaining the courage of becoming said, "God gave me a "scare" to get me back to the doc and on a greater path to my ultimate goal...becoming a mom."

I chose to rely on my Polly tendencies.  God gave me the courage and I found it within myself when I made the phone call.

Although it may be at a snail's pace, I'm creeping out of denial and evolving into the more positive me that can and will make a change in this world.

My something new (rescue) is pooped just the same.

New year brings change...

After months of following a genuinely "shining" project and it now being a new year with change, I've decided to make a change for myself and subscribe to the projects e-mail feeds.  Upon my first read and second day in The Shine Project know, I'm learning great things in regards to His plan for me for 2012.

I've thought long and hard about resolutions and goals for myself this 2012 year.  I don't want to follow paths I haven't concluded in years past.  I know and understand that change is needed in my life.  I believe (and agree with Ashley) that change is a process.  Goal setting is a process.  It's a KISS thing for me (keep.it.simple.stupid ).  


I'm ready for a process of positive change so I may follow a more optimistic journey.  I want that change to be in the form of shining my light so others may be able to witness the good in life.  I want to motivate others to experience this change as well.  

I want to share a challenge I've just begun.  A challenge to create change in my life.  First of which is copied & pasted below...

"We're all here to motivate each other along our growing pains of change.

So! Your challenge to kick off the new year is simple.

Answer this question,

"If I could change one thing in the world, what would it be?"

Write down the first thing that comes to mind.

Then make a list of ways that YOU can help make that change.

Make it as simple as possible."

As you complete this first challenge over the next couple of days, pay a visit to Ashley and share.  May you begin to create and explore your shining abilities in 2012.

As for me...

One thing in the world I would change is 

the ability to share my personal gifts with others.

ways that I can help make the change to a better me

~ continue to share my story with others ~

that it may comfort those 

who are struggling along with me

~ open my schedule to more volunteer opportunities ~

(one in particular, for me, Tyson's Chance www.tysonschance.com)

~ give back to my community ~

~ form a small group devotional ~

~ babysit for friends ~

~ educate myself ~


~ and MANY more ways as I discover them ~




... I first want to take a look at myself and then make these changes.  I'm more than willing to have some friends join with me in this world change, one shining moment at a time.

Openings...

Let the clouds open and God's light shine through!  With hopes to release some of His light so others may have the strength to withstand some of life's stormy seas, I'm opening my thoughts through SamplesOfUs.   For those new to this crash course into the wavy currents of my life...hold on.  For the very few regulars I've earned...the journey's only begun...

I've recently let go of a heavy weight pent up on my chest. I opened up and made known a reality of my "perfect little life."  In making the decision to write publicly about the lemons we've (M and I) been handed, I hoped to let go of the denial I've had myself in.  I thought that actually saying "it" would at least lighten the burden.  That, it has.  However, I find myself making conversations awkward and I'm not exactly sure how to overcome that.

I mean, "Hello, I'm infertile," can't really sound pretty however you word it.  Typically, my response to, "How come no babies?",  "So, when are YOU going to have your own?", "Are YOU pregnant yet?", etc. is "It just isn't that easy for some people."

C'mon...if THAT doesn't give "it" away, I don't know what would.  The only problem is, how rude does that sound?  I mean, I am a say-it-like-it-is type of person.  But, I don't want to make people feel sympathetic or awkward in conversation.  I suppose it's another  "can't win for losing" type deal.

Aside from the awkwardness, I want to spell out my troubles so the light of my experiences can be shed on those in-waiting of these trials.  I do believe God knows who's entering into this off-road path of the journey with me and so many others.  For whatever reason they may incur these troubles, I want them to know they're not alone.

Yes, there are so many others that I've been told and so many others I don't even know about.  Either way, every story can be made different in our minds.  Regardless, it all boils down to the same understanding...we're just not getting that bun to start toasting.

NOTE:  I simply sit and start writing.  There is no brainstorming, just raw thoughts as they unfurl.

It's about to get all "hot in herrrr"...

This is going to seem from left field and I'm not even sure of where to begin.  I realize that this is taking some leaps and that it may change some things for me.  I believe I'm ready for and need some change.  

I'm ready for a turn.  I'm ready to share the struggles I've been dealt.  The 'ol saying, "God doesn't give you anymore than you can handle..." Yea, that's what I'm working with.  My BIGGEST question is...WHY ME?!

Yea, yea... I know we don't question Him.  I'm working on it.  I'm working toward not, but I'm just not completely there.  Although it's like saying I don't trust Him, I don't believe that's it.  I honestly and completely trust that "my time" is coming and it's all in His plan.  I trust that He leads me and comforts me.  I have faith, hope and love because of Him.  I trust that He IS one step ahead of me and steers the ocean waves of my life.

And wavy they are!  I say like 10 foot waves crashing into one another and abruptly beating the outer sand.  I can honestly say that my waves have calmed a bit as time has passed, aged me, and turned my shore to a more solemn splashing sound of emotions.  I'm not reading so much into things anymore.  However, as I say that to myself, I think of a handful of instances that have sent the stormy seas a sailing once more in the past month.  I owe these storms to the realization of the sounds of "18 months."

I've contemplated the release of the fears I hold inside.  I've gradually begun to push them out and let go of the denial I've held in.  Why am I and have I been ashamed of something out of my control?  I'm not sure it's shame, rather the fact that I wanted, more than anything, to surprise!  I absolutely love surprises!  I love to get them AND I love to give them.  It's just me.  I've wanted to be able to make that one special announcement and see the looks on the faces of our families and friends when we're able to say, "We're pregnant!"  (I have chills even typing it.)

That's just NOT the case.  It couldn't be further from it really.  It's so funny how minds change from the beginning of the "trying to conceive" (TTC) phase to months and months past.  We're over the temp checks, the charting, the infamous kits, the "I think I am's," and the "every possible symptom checkers."  That is no more and, in my opinion, totally pointless and a waste of money.  Oddly enough, what makes it worse is when your doctors tells you all checks "well" and you just need to relax and have fun.  Really??!!  

I have to believe that God's just teaching me a few things.  However, I'm ready to start learning about the real "thing."  I'm ready to have THAT feeling.  I'm ready to just know that I CAN!!  

A now blog friend (www.dustyandamy.com) I've recently been introduced to, read only a few of her posts, and feel an incredible bond to her.  Simply put...she speaks to me!  I haven't been in the crashing waves near as long as she, but her words speak volumes for the emotional waves I have hit and continue to reach.  She says it quite clearly for me...

"To be brutally honest, I'm in an abusive relationship with my own body.  It's a relationship I can't change, can't control, can't ignore.  I'm talking about infertility.  I'm talking about something that hurts every single day and some days it hurts me less than other days.  Sometimes my abuser (my body) does things that lead me to believe that things are going to change.  I tell myself I won't buy in to the hope.  I won't listen to the doctor that tells me that everything looks perfect and this might be the time.  I won't pay attention to physical symptoms and signs.  I won't tell a soul about what is and what isn't going on with me because usually it just ends up being a lot of wasted conversation.  A lot of nothing for them- and me.  

Every Birthday, every Mother's Day, every Father's Day, every Thanksgiving, every Christmas, every time another friends gets pregnant, I think of you and hope for you again.  You are constantly on my mind."

I can relax and do all the "things" made to relax my mind and body.  It doesn't relax the crashing of waves my emotions take on.  I can pray and devote time to God each day to raise my praises and fears to Him.  It doesn't release the pain of those waves crashing in daily.  I'm in a constant battle with myself to give it all to Him and deal with it and lift it up and have it smack me in the face yet again.  I've read and HEARD the verses over and over again (Romans 8:28, Jeremiah 20:11, and John 15:17).  As my friend Amy stated, these verses are "out of context."  I SO believe the words, it's just not.that.simple.

Til next time...

~ To the 10 foot waves of life.~