Openings...

Let the clouds open and God's light shine through!  With hopes to release some of His light so others may have the strength to withstand some of life's stormy seas, I'm opening my thoughts through SamplesOfUs.   For those new to this crash course into the wavy currents of my life...hold on.  For the very few regulars I've earned...the journey's only begun...

I've recently let go of a heavy weight pent up on my chest. I opened up and made known a reality of my "perfect little life."  In making the decision to write publicly about the lemons we've (M and I) been handed, I hoped to let go of the denial I've had myself in.  I thought that actually saying "it" would at least lighten the burden.  That, it has.  However, I find myself making conversations awkward and I'm not exactly sure how to overcome that.

I mean, "Hello, I'm infertile," can't really sound pretty however you word it.  Typically, my response to, "How come no babies?",  "So, when are YOU going to have your own?", "Are YOU pregnant yet?", etc. is "It just isn't that easy for some people."

C'mon...if THAT doesn't give "it" away, I don't know what would.  The only problem is, how rude does that sound?  I mean, I am a say-it-like-it-is type of person.  But, I don't want to make people feel sympathetic or awkward in conversation.  I suppose it's another  "can't win for losing" type deal.

Aside from the awkwardness, I want to spell out my troubles so the light of my experiences can be shed on those in-waiting of these trials.  I do believe God knows who's entering into this off-road path of the journey with me and so many others.  For whatever reason they may incur these troubles, I want them to know they're not alone.

Yes, there are so many others that I've been told and so many others I don't even know about.  Either way, every story can be made different in our minds.  Regardless, it all boils down to the same understanding...we're just not getting that bun to start toasting.

NOTE:  I simply sit and start writing.  There is no brainstorming, just raw thoughts as they unfurl.

It's about to get all "hot in herrrr"...

This is going to seem from left field and I'm not even sure of where to begin.  I realize that this is taking some leaps and that it may change some things for me.  I believe I'm ready for and need some change.  

I'm ready for a turn.  I'm ready to share the struggles I've been dealt.  The 'ol saying, "God doesn't give you anymore than you can handle..." Yea, that's what I'm working with.  My BIGGEST question is...WHY ME?!

Yea, yea... I know we don't question Him.  I'm working on it.  I'm working toward not, but I'm just not completely there.  Although it's like saying I don't trust Him, I don't believe that's it.  I honestly and completely trust that "my time" is coming and it's all in His plan.  I trust that He leads me and comforts me.  I have faith, hope and love because of Him.  I trust that He IS one step ahead of me and steers the ocean waves of my life.

And wavy they are!  I say like 10 foot waves crashing into one another and abruptly beating the outer sand.  I can honestly say that my waves have calmed a bit as time has passed, aged me, and turned my shore to a more solemn splashing sound of emotions.  I'm not reading so much into things anymore.  However, as I say that to myself, I think of a handful of instances that have sent the stormy seas a sailing once more in the past month.  I owe these storms to the realization of the sounds of "18 months."

I've contemplated the release of the fears I hold inside.  I've gradually begun to push them out and let go of the denial I've held in.  Why am I and have I been ashamed of something out of my control?  I'm not sure it's shame, rather the fact that I wanted, more than anything, to surprise!  I absolutely love surprises!  I love to get them AND I love to give them.  It's just me.  I've wanted to be able to make that one special announcement and see the looks on the faces of our families and friends when we're able to say, "We're pregnant!"  (I have chills even typing it.)

That's just NOT the case.  It couldn't be further from it really.  It's so funny how minds change from the beginning of the "trying to conceive" (TTC) phase to months and months past.  We're over the temp checks, the charting, the infamous kits, the "I think I am's," and the "every possible symptom checkers."  That is no more and, in my opinion, totally pointless and a waste of money.  Oddly enough, what makes it worse is when your doctors tells you all checks "well" and you just need to relax and have fun.  Really??!!  

I have to believe that God's just teaching me a few things.  However, I'm ready to start learning about the real "thing."  I'm ready to have THAT feeling.  I'm ready to just know that I CAN!!  

A now blog friend (www.dustyandamy.com) I've recently been introduced to, read only a few of her posts, and feel an incredible bond to her.  Simply put...she speaks to me!  I haven't been in the crashing waves near as long as she, but her words speak volumes for the emotional waves I have hit and continue to reach.  She says it quite clearly for me...

"To be brutally honest, I'm in an abusive relationship with my own body.  It's a relationship I can't change, can't control, can't ignore.  I'm talking about infertility.  I'm talking about something that hurts every single day and some days it hurts me less than other days.  Sometimes my abuser (my body) does things that lead me to believe that things are going to change.  I tell myself I won't buy in to the hope.  I won't listen to the doctor that tells me that everything looks perfect and this might be the time.  I won't pay attention to physical symptoms and signs.  I won't tell a soul about what is and what isn't going on with me because usually it just ends up being a lot of wasted conversation.  A lot of nothing for them- and me.  

Every Birthday, every Mother's Day, every Father's Day, every Thanksgiving, every Christmas, every time another friends gets pregnant, I think of you and hope for you again.  You are constantly on my mind."

I can relax and do all the "things" made to relax my mind and body.  It doesn't relax the crashing of waves my emotions take on.  I can pray and devote time to God each day to raise my praises and fears to Him.  It doesn't release the pain of those waves crashing in daily.  I'm in a constant battle with myself to give it all to Him and deal with it and lift it up and have it smack me in the face yet again.  I've read and HEARD the verses over and over again (Romans 8:28, Jeremiah 20:11, and John 15:17).  As my friend Amy stated, these verses are "out of context."  I SO believe the words, it's just not.that.simple.

Til next time...

~ To the 10 foot waves of life.~

Life Time...

Time gets away from us all.  We get wrapped up in the things we're used to and life continues rolling, with or without us.  We miss out on some of life's greatest treasures, if we're not careful.

As we move into this glorious holiday season, I'm oh so thankful to share the wonderful delights it brings with all my family and friends.   I pray for all the best as we realize the blessings we've received.  I hope we can share those blessings with those less fortunate, as well as our own loved ones.

As I go through this season of hope, peace, and love I pray that I'll be more intentional about posting.  What better to share with others the living, laughing, and loving of the Holidays?!

~  #6:  To the living, laughing, and loving of the Holiday season. ~

Though time may part us...

A month has passed and I'm regretful that I've not posted in that time. Life has whisked me up and drifted me through.  I'm not particularly sure which directions I'm facing, I'm headed, or I've come from...

However much it pains me to say, I get wrapped up in the daily grind and lose track of ME.  I know that I need this time, but I'm not sure how to take care of that most days.  I want so badly to be there for others in my life that I tend to put myself on the back burner.  I'm sure you're saying, "And she doesn't even have kids!"  Agreed!  I'm SO with you!  However, I actually do have 21 friends in my care daily.  

I'm supposed to guide, support, and release them daily.  I find it intriguing to create new anchors for them with which to expand their learning from each day.  I absolutely love the thinking that takes place within my captivating carnival classroom!  They're so brilliant and so often they don't even realize it.  We all have learning that takes place each day, but I have the opportunity to learn "from the mouths of babes."  It's truly amazing to see the thinking and learning that goes on inside a classroom!

From the awe of children and a top-performing school teacher workload, I go home to a football coach/grad student/hands-on hardworking man, a devoted-to-me and spoiled rotten canine, and an obviously lived-in home.  With that, comes a large close-knit family with which to spread my time and tending to the TLC of friendships.  Atop it all, I have a Savior that graces my life with his goodness and mercy and encourages me to shine my light so others may see.

Life has blessed us all with such fantastic treasures.  Some of life's treasures need tidying up every once in a while.  As I sit and reflect on my self-endeavors, I'm realizing the need I'm having of tidying up my ability to "get it all in" in conjunction with allowing my light to shine eternally.

May I leave you with this...

~ #5:  To life's treasures and the ability to shine for them all. ~

FYI...It's our 3 year wedding anniversary!

And we've been together 10 years!